


Glamour Girl

by artificial_ink



Series: You, Me And Deadpool [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Overprotective Thor, slight crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:12:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificial_ink/pseuds/artificial_ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade Wilson (aka Deadpool) inadvertently introduces Darcy and Clint. Darcy is not amused and Natasha tries to kill Wade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glamour Girl

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I'd post an amusing fic for my first AO3 submission. Based off this post at memos from Fury: http://memosfromfury.tumblr.com/post/30694112539/submitted-by-jabberwocky-agents-of-shield-are#notes  
> And pretty much this whole AU gif series: http://arrows-and-duct-tape.tumblr.com/  
> If you don't want to go through all those: Wade Wilson (or Deadpool) is for some reason apart of SHIELD at Fury's request and is often paired with Natasha and Clint for missions. Then he meets a certain Lab Assistant. 
> 
> I'm thinking this is going to be a two parter, with a slightly naughty follow up depending on how people react to it.

The calm of Clint and Natasha's lunch in the SHIELD cafeteria was interrupted when one of the lab assistants stood right in front of Clint, hands on her hips. A crumpled sheet of paper was clutched in one of her hands. Looking up to her face, Clint recognised her as the 'Queen of the Lab Lackeys'. A title bestowed upon her by Wade Wilson, who'd been rather obsessed about her as of late. He'd talked about her during their most recent mission and went on and on about what he'd wanted her to do to him with post-it notes. While Natasha was not a fan of the conversation, she _had_ been relieved to finally have Wade not constantly trying to trick her into a verbal agreement to sleep with him. Though Nat did threaten Wade that if she caught any word of sexual harassment in the labs that involved him, she'd personally saw off his balls. The recon mission had gone pretty downhill from there and while Clint knew it wasn't because of the conversation, he couldn't help but notice how fast things tended to go to shit after inappropriate conversations with Wade. Particularly when Natasha overhears. 

"Hey, Hawkass, it _is_ Hawkass right?" The woman brought Clint's attention to her angry and intense glare. What was her name...Delilah? Dakota? Darla? Oh, that's right, Darcy. It took a moment but Clint vaguely remembered reading her file back in New Mexico the first time Thor appeared. She didn't seem that important back then so he didn't really pay much attention to the file. But having her right in front of him in all her fury and pretty phenomenal curves, Clint berated his past self for not showing more interest. She was hot and and he had a better idea of why Wade had been so focused on her. 

"Hawkeye- uh, Clint actually," Clint stumbled, being dragged out his thoughts when she cleared her throat. 

"Whatever. Can you tell me where your little boyfriend is?" She continued, making Clint frown in confusion and Natasha snicker slightly. 

"I'm not gay so no boyfriend," Clint explained before adding suggestively, "very single actually, if you're curious."  

"Really?" Darcy raised an eyebrow, clearly not impressed at his insinuation. Next to him, Clint could practically hear Natasha's eyes roll. 

"Really." 

"Wade said you're in passionate monkey love with him so I just assumed. My mistake," answered Darcy rather drolly. 

"I am not in love with Wade," defended Clint. Of _course_ Wade would say that to the hot lab assistant. 

"Really? I've had my doubts," Natasha cut in. She shared what he could only call a special, secret smirk with Darcy. Apparently, they were pretty familiar with each other. Clint did not like it when the women ganged up on him. Especially when it was Wade who was the instigator. 

"Boyfriend, lover- I don't care what you call him. Where is he?" 

"I don't know, I haven't seen him since our last mission."

"Don't lie to me Hawkass."

"I'm not lying. Why would I lie about this?" 

"To protect him because I'm going to kill him."

"What did he do?" asked Natasha, leaning in slightly. Any sign of humour was erased from her face as she waited to hear if Wade had actually touched Darcy inappropriately this time.   

"That _fuck_ found some...pictures of me and decided to pin a few up in the labs," Darcy handed the sheet in her hand to Natasha. The ex-Russian uncurled it but made sure Clint couldn't get a good look. His curiosity grew as he watched her face start to seethe. Wade was in for it this time. 

"And now I'm finding out I'm people's screen savers here and wallpaper on their phones. I'm getting cat calls from some of the agents walking down halls and I don't know where the hell else Wade put them up so I can take them down. Don't get me started on some of the things they've been asking me to do to them. Pepper's going to be upset because I can't get Tony away from his lab to eat or sleep because he'd determined to find a nude picture of me," Darcy continued and Clint swears he couldn't help what came out of his mouth next.

" _Are_ there nude pictures of you?" Clint blurted, genuinely interested. It earned him a kick from Natasha and glare from Darcy that made it feel hotter than hell. He instantly regretted his uncouth slip of tongue. He also regretted not going past the first page of her file. Maybe it would have answered his question.

"Even if there were, I'd never show you," spat Darcy. 

"I will deal with Agent Wilson," Natasha promised, voice cold and deadly as she the folded up the offending picture neatly and handed it back to Darcy. "I'm sure I can convince Coulson and Fury to have a talk with any other agent who is reacting inappropriately."

Natasha spared a glance towards Clint when she said the last statement, making him sputter. 

"Thanks," sighed Darcy, slightly relieved. With a final glare at Clint, Darcy made her way out of the cafeteria. Natasha gave him a similar look before she put away her tray and went on the hunt for Wade. Within a few minutes, Clint's phone beeped and he saw that Wade had sent him a text message. 

_'So?'_

_'Natasha is going to kill you'_

_'At least she has to touch me to do that'_

_'You'd be surprised. What's with the pictures?'_

_'Darcy's hot right? You wanna hit that? I think she likes hawks. Well she likes big bird at least'_

Clint paused before he typed out a reply. He did indeed wanted to 'hit that' but he wasn't going to give Wade any satisfaction. Instead, he ignored the question all together. 

_'What pictures did you find? Tasha wouldn't show me'_

What could he say? Curiosity killed the cat but there wasn't anything about it killing the hawk. The next few beeps alerted him that pictures had been sent. Out of shock, Clint's mouth dropped open when he opened the first file. The first picture had the question 'official pin up girl of SHIELD?' typed out but it didn't hide the image of Darcy looking coyly at the camera. His attention was first focused on her face and he tapped his phone to better a close up. Makeup was neatly done with long lashes and ruby red lips, along with a wavy hairstyle to try and emulate pin up girls from the 1930s and '40s. It looked very similar to the women that Steve sometimes sketched but her expression was a little more...unsure. Like she wasn't entirely confident about her pose. Oddly enough, it added an endearing quality to it all. 

Pulling the frame back, Clint got a better look at the rest of her figure. Pale skin and luscious curves that he wanted to run his fingers over. Darcy lay on her stomach on a pile of plush pink sheets and pillows, clad in what looked like black lacy thong, a matching bra and sparkly black heels. Her arms were under her chest, giving more emphasis on the already ample breasts. 

The next picture had Darcy in a similar lingerie but with electric blue fishnets attached to a black garter belt and a big fuzzy blue jacket. She was sitting on a table with legs slightly open and held an old style phone with a rotary dial in one hand and a martini in another. Her expression was a lot more confidant, if slightly curious at whoever she was pretending was on the other line with her. 

The final picture made Clint's breath stop short for some reason, which was all most odd, given that she was covered up more. It was a side profile of Darcy curling back on a worn, brown leather sofa. Her hair looked shorter and curlier. The outfit was different but the makeup was the same. Dainty pink satin shoes were on her feet and her thighs and legs were bare. Her upper body was covered by a short peach silk robe but it was her face that really caught Clint's attention. Something off camera had obviously amused her. Whatever or whoever it was had made her giggle, fingers touching her bottom lip ever so slightly as she started to cover her joyful laugh. Much like her anger, the happiness took over every muscle of her face but this was so much more captivating than her rage. He wasn't sure how long he had been staring at her face until another text from Wade broke his attention.

_'My plans to make Darcy Von Teese the official pin up girl of shield are thwarted'_

The reminder of Wade posting these pictures everywhere suddenly angered Clint. An ugly stab of jealously ripped through his body and he was angry at all the other men who were ogling at Darcy or making her life a living hell. Before Clint could ask Wade where he'd put up the other pictures, there was a final text. 

_'I hear Natasha. Tell Weasel and Bob to stay away from my stuff after my death. Also that I will haunt them'_

"Shield brother Clint, I come for information," Thor's booming voice made Clint jump out of his skin. Looking up at the God of Thunder, he saw grim determination and fury in Thor's face. The god also had his hammer gripped tightly, making Clint that much more nervous. 

"Information? About what?"

"It has come to my attention that a man named Wade Wilson had tarnished the Lady Darcy's good name. She is Lady Jane's handmaiden and we are both distressed at this turn of events. I was hoping you would have information on his whereabouts."

"Oh yeah, Wade," Clint said, licking his lips and sticking his phone back into his pocket. No need to let Thor know that the slandering photos were currently on his phone. Deciding that Natasha would beat out the information from Wade of where the other pictures were hiding, Clint smiled. He figured that having the imposing God of Thunder would help him in the next half hour or so.

"Don't worry about Wade. Natasha is after him and she probably could do more damage then either of us could. If you want to help me- uh, _talk_ to the junior agents and warn them about bothering Darcy, that would be great." 

Thor took a moment to choose between beating Wade up himself or allowing Natasha to cause both bodily and mental harm. In the end, he grinned like he was about to beat up a bunch of Chitauri. 

"Let us not waste time! We shall protect Lady Darcy's reputation!" shouted Thor, raising his hammer and in the distance, Clint swore he could hear thunder. This was going to be fun.   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If your interested, I based Darcy's pictures off of some of Dita Von Teese's photos at her website.


	2. Oppa Deadpool Style

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the positive reaction guys! And the bunnies wouldn't leave so another chapter! I'm thinking this will only be maybe 4 parts. Though the future may hold one shots in this universe. Deadpool is fun to write. But honestly, I'm writing this as I go along so...
> 
> No Darcy in this one but she'll be back in the rest of the fic.

Scaring junior agents with Thor had been full of moral merrymaking- using Thor's words exactly that is. Intimidating them was more entertaining when they could use weather and there was a warm sense of satisfaction after it all as well. Threatening agents on behalf of someone's honour made Clint feel like he was some sort of knight instead of a creep hiding in the vents with a Nerf gun waiting for agents to walk by. What had been interesting to find out was that it seemed all the other Avengers approved of Darcy. Case in point, Natasha hunting Wade and Steve trying to wrangle the pictures from Tony's grip. Also, he heard that Bruce was pretending to almost transform whenever one of the lab lackeys mentioned the pictures, so no one was brave enough to bring up. Clint wondered why it took him this long to actually meet Darcy, considering she seemed to be pals with everyone else. 

But he'd ponder more on that later. Now, there was only one loose end he needed to tie up and it was currently spinning in the chair of his seldom occupied cubicle. 

Without skipping a beat, Clint entered the office and slapped Wade on the back of the head.

"Hey!" Wade frowned when he saw it was Clint. "What the hell was that for? You're lucky I didn't accidently kill you on the spot with my ninja reflexes." 

"That was for telling people that I'm in love with you. How many people have you told that bullshit?" 

"Uh, a few?" shrugged Wade, not showing any sign of remorse or not understanding what he had been saying was not true.

"Wait, is that why Agent Krane has been checking out my ass? I _knew_ he was checking out my ass. Natasha said I was being paranoid."

"You _are_ a pretty fine catch round these parts. High up the ranks, big strong arms to hold a man at night and make him feel safe. What it's worth, I think you and Krane would make an adorable couple. It'll also help you get over me."

"Except I'm not in love with you and I'm not gay." 

"Got tingly feelings down there when you saw those pictures of Darcy right?" Wade nodded his head enthusiastically with a knowing and obnoxious grin, using his hands to suggestively cup large invisible breasts. He gave an indignant shout when Clint smacked the back of his head again. 

" _That's_ for putting all those pictures of her all around SHIELD."

"They look good. I've only released the best ones. You know she got, like, five hundred likes on her Facebook fan page. I don't even know why she stopped the lingerie modelling in the first place."

"She was a lingerie- wait? You made a Facebook page of it?" Clint gave Wade the best disapproving look he could muster, determined to not get off track. 

"Not me, Weasel. Don't look at me like that, I had him take it down after Natasha tried to rearrange my vertebrae. But I'm telling you, up for 14 hours and five hundred likes. Most of them from agents and I was actually surprised at how many agents have Facebook. What with Phil always lecturing everyone about it." 

"Delete them Wade. All of them." 

"No, I found them, they're mine!" whined Wade, suddenly on the verge of a temper tantrum.

"They're Darcy's and she doesn't want everyone looking at them with their hands down their pants."

"Unless it's _your_ hand down _your_ pants?" Wade accused but just groaned and went limp in the chair at Clint's fire filled stare. "Ugh! If she doesn't want people to look at them, she shouldn't of posed for an online lingerie  store! She still gets a discount from them if she types in her name under discount codes. I know, I tried."

"Why were you ordering lingerie?" 

"...I have reasons."

"Are they pictures you got off the website? Or did you hack to get them?" Clint asked, avoiding the actual questions he wanted answers for. Which were 'what is the name of the website' and 'what else did she model?'

"Weasel may have...hacked into someone's personal computer," Wade chose his words carefully. "Ah...it may have been Darcy's personal computer. What! She told me she had done some modelling in college for extra cash and promised that I'd never see the pictures. She _challenged_ me. You really think I wasn't going to take that up?" 

"Delete them," ordered Clint. "Get Weasel and Bob to delete whatever copies they have. I've already got Tony's AI to hack into the system and delete them from all of the computers and phones connected to the server." 

"Naughty, naughty. That's a violation Hawkass," tutted Wade, wagging his finger.  

"What you did was a violation." 

"You get new pictures for your sad, lonely nights _and_ you got to meet her which, always help make fantasies more interesting. Don't see what your panties are all in a knot for," pointed out Wade, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes at Clint. Clint returned the gesture and held the gaze, not willing to back down first or show that the argument was unfortunately a little true. A part of him panicked at the possibility of Wade knowing Clint had actually kept the high quality copies Tony printed out- not burned them like he'd promised Thor and Steve. He did delete the copies off his phone but the hardcopies were tucked safely under his mattress because he just couldn't bring himself to destroy them for an inexplicable reason. Still, Clint didn't want to dwell on his hypocrisy and the fact that he was as bad as the other perverts at SHIELD. If Darcy was still fractionally mad as she was before, it wasn't like Clint was going to see much more of her skin anyway.

Eventually, Wade surprised him and backed down.

"I can see this is important to you. Your way to be her hawk in shining armour so she'll put her hand down your chainmail?"

"I also want you to make it up to her," Clint continued, ignoring the insinuation. Again, as true as it may have been. "I'd normally say apologise but you have no conscience so it would mean nothing to you." 

"Clint!" gasped Wade, "how dare you! I am but a loyal subject and all ready have a plan to garner my royal highness' forgiveness."

"I know I'm going to regret this, but what do you have in mind?" Clint asked carefully.

"Internet fame," Wade announced dramatically, waving jazz hands. The reaction he got from Clint was pure confusion.  

"What?"

"I'm shooting a YouTube video and I was going to ask her to be my leading lady. Help her rewrite her reputation a bit," explained Wade without any hint of humour. For a moment, Clint watched Wade, searching for any sign that he was joking. 

"You really know nothing about women," Clint stated, somewhat amazed when he realised that Wade really thought that his plan had merit. Or in fact, any of his plans to talk to women had merit. Every interaction Wade ever had with Natasha was running through Clint's head. 

"I'll have you know I know loads about women and their needs. I've skimmed all the _50 Shades of Grey_ books."

"Yeah, no idea what that is."

"It's the Woman Bible, Clint, the Woman Bible" Wade explained.  

"So after hacking into her computer, plastering her private pictures all over SHIELD _and_ making a Facebook page of them, you're going to apologise by asking her to be in a video with you for all the world to see? Despite all of Phil's lectures on not being traceable on the internet? Great plan."

"It is a great plan."

"What about everyone recognising her? And Weasel and Bob because you'll probably drag them into it. And you, how many people would love to know where you are so they could kill you? Huh? _Deadpool_."

"Pfft, sunglasses," Wade waved it off like it was the most rational answer. "I was going to make my own version of Gangnam Style and make Weasel wear a wig but we all know Darcy's got more star quality than him. Though, now that you're here, you'll probably want to oversee it all and make sure I don't satisfy her too much or something. So what do you say? Golden Rule? Lonely Island? I'll even let you be Justin Timberlake. Even though we all know I'm the pretty one."

"I...you-I'm leaving now," announced Clint, not willing to deal with Wade's brand of insanity any longer. He'd said what he wanted to say and that's all he could do for now. 

"Keep giving me sass Hawkass and _I'll_ be Justin Timberlake."

"If you upset Darcy again, I'll sic Natasha on you," Clint warned before making his way out. Before he stepped through the door, he looked over his shoulder. "By the way, she told me how you squealed like a piglet when you saw her," smirked Clint, wishing he'd been there when Wade had ran away from the deadly redhead in a very undignified way. 

"I'll have you know I squealed like an adult pig! A man pig!" Wade called after Clint. "It's not gay if it's in a three-way Clint! Maybe you'll finally accept your love of my penis! It'll be cathartic!"

"Make Weasel wear a wig and let Bob play Justin Timberlake!" 

"Bob hasn't got the acting chops for that!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General nitpicky stuff: I couldn't decide on Wade and his scars for a bit because from what I've seen people can get up and arms about it. Eventually I said 'screw it' and will go with: this is following the Deadpool comics where he finds the cure and isn't scarred up. And it's easier for me to write about facial reactions when he's not wearing a mask (eh, I is lazy).  
> Also, in my head, he's at SHIELD because he's a little more likely to get killed now and figured it's an easy way to get some more protection and pretty new weapons. He also is trying to convince Fury to let him be an Avenger. That's not working out too well for him.


	3. You, Me and Deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit of a filler chapter, but I hope you enjoy it nevertheless. Also, huge, huge thanks for the positive reaction I've been getting for this fic. You guys are awesome.  
> 

Clint and Thor only had to scare the junior agents for about three days. While a majority of their...virtuous bullying had taken place on the day the pictures were released, occasionally they had to remind a few people to keep their mouths shut and their manners in tact. Fortunately, all the pictures had been taken down, JARVIS had did his hacking as promised and Tony had also been convinced that there wasn't a nude picture of Darcy and that there was no more point in looking. It also helped when Fury sent out a memo warning all employees that if he got another suggestion for a SHIELD pin up calendar then everyone would have to sit through a long sexual harassment seminar. Agents were pretty good at following orders plus no one was willing to be disliked by all of SHIELD because of mandatory sexual harassment seminars (except maybe Wade but he'd been preoccupied with planning a music video), so Clint and Thor didn't have to do that much followup.

But when Darcy saw Clint for the first time since the picture leak, their meeting hadn't gone exactly how Clint had fantasied. It wasn't a huge surprise to see Darcy bounding down the hall and jumping into Thor's arms, even if it was a bit dramatic. Admittedly, Clint looked at the blonde god in envy as he swung Darcy around and told her she needn't thank him for what he did. When Thor had brought the attention back to Clint, stating it was his idea in the first place, Clint was disappointed at Darcy's glare that held a large amount of disbelief. Still, she'd given him a clumsy thanks but the cold look she'd given him proved that she still thought he was a jerk.

Clint set on proving to Darcy that he was not a jerk. Or at least, that he could be nice when he wanted to. And with Darcy, he really did want to. So he visited her in the labs during lunch time until she finally had a conversation with him instead of just trying to glare him out with threats of throwing beakers. There was a slight set back when one day he walked into the labs to find Darcy bending over to pick up some fallen paper work. The angle made her jeans ride down and her thong just visible. In that short moment, Clint couldn't help but take time to appreciate the lax dress codes down in R&D but before he could announce his presence, Darcy turned around and realised what he was doing. It had taken him sneaking extra desserts for a week and a good word from Natasha (her exact words to Darcy had been 'he has lapses of idiocy but there's no cure for that' so maybe 'good' wasn't the best descriptor) to get Darcy to acknowledge him again. Clint wasn't even sure why it had been so important to him but he was not one to admit defeat easily and hell, he'd put this much effort into getting Darcy to  _not_  hate him that he might as well get a permanent spot her friends list. But then, Clint actually started talking to Darcy and he was glad of his effort.

Once they started talking, they found that they got along quite well- to the slight surprise of both parties. Lunches with Darcy became Clint's daily highlight. A source of never ending quick witted snark and the occasional blush he was able to get out of her. If Clint had to admit it, the blushes were his favourite. The female SHIELD agents didn't really blush and the times that you did get them to, they tended to punch you for what you said. When Darcy blushed, it was sometimes for the most innocent or harmless thing and she'd bite her lip slightly and look to her left. He liked her blushes so much, that he couldn't help himself one day so he just leaned over her desk and kissed her mouth. After a few seconds of panic on Clint's part where Darcy processed what was happening, she finally reacted and kissed him back. Clint changed his mind. The kisses were his favourite thing.

Dating Darcy was infinitely better than just having the occasional lunch with her. There was something mysterious about her, with her secret smirks and mischievous shining eyes. She was also a bit of a tease, never letting him get more than a deep kiss and a little under the shirt action. But Clint didn't mind that much, it kept him on his toes. Besides, the anticipation would be worth it, he was sure.

But everything had a downside and there was only one thing wrong about their dates.

Wade Wilson.

* * *

Darcy's foot was lightly stroking Clint's calf under the table. That, combined with the way Darcy was absentmindedly twirling a strand of hair and trying to hold in a laugh, made it almost impossible for Clint to concentrate on keeping up an intelligent conversation. He did his best though, ignoring how inviting she looked under the dim lights of the restaurant.

"So she ended up running around the lab for an hour until she realised a bit of Pop Tart was stuck to her forehead. You know, Jane's little lab rats like to joke behind her back about how unaware she is but honestly, she like, figured out some major formula for the rainbow bridge. With a Pop Tart stuck to her forehead. She has to be doing something right."

"I've seen Nat attack Wade with a pastry. Sugary snacks are dangerous things. You should be relieved Jane harnesses their power for good," Clint observed, making Darcy snort into her wine glass.

"I need to ask Natasha about her nefarious pastry ways."

"Actual details are classified unfortunately. But I'm sure she'd be willing to teach you Croissant Maga. Though I have to ask you not use what you learn against me. It looked pretty painful."

"Hm, I can't make any promises but I'll ask her next time I see her," Darcy grinned and Clint soaked it up. Eventually, Darcy sighed and looked away, her expression changing from carefree to pensive. She bit her lip and scratched the back of her neck self-conciously. The change worried Clint. He hoped he hadn't upset by with the mention of Wade. The two were on better terms but Darcy still had Wade on some sort of probation list.

"Clint," Darcy said with more seriousness than most of their conversation had needed so far that night. Reaching across the table, Darcy placed a hand in Clint's, and he squeezed reassuringly.

"Something I said?" frowned Clint.

"No, um, just, I wanted to tell you something. I feel bad about telling you this right before you leave for a mission tomorrow but I, I want to get this off my chest," Darcy tried to explain, growing even more nervous. Whatever she wanted to say was obviously eating away at her. Clint reached out to hold her other hand but they were interrupted by a familiar and unwanted presence.

"Nice place. Classy choice Clint," Wade smiled, dragging an empty chair from another table and sitting so he was equally distant from Clint and Darcy. They unclasped hands and leaned back in surprise. The loss of Darcy's foot against Clint's leg was a major disappointment, in addition to the general chagrin of having Wade magically appear. Wade kicking his shins under the table in an attempt at footsie also sucked.

"You take me to a place like this and I'd have sex with you in the bathroom," Wade continued, picking up a fork and starting to pick at both their plates. Clint knew he shouldn't have mentioned Wade. They'd been doing so well and then he'd jinxed the date.

"How'd you find us? I didn't even tell you I was going out," Clint asked, feeling a headache starting to form. This had happened way too many times now. Things would be going great on their dates, they'd start to get serious and then Wade would appear out of no where to join. Thinking that his presence would somehow make it all the better. He claimed he was some sort of chaperone but Clint was sure he was just being a dick and trying to get free food. It was getting on Clint's last nerve. Tomorrow he was going to be gone for two weeks and he wouldn't be able to contact anyone. He wanted all the Darcy time he could get.

"I stopped by Darcy's place 'cause I wanted to get my mani-pedi on and talk about girl stuff like Logan's ass- since you told me I'm not allowed to mention it in detail to you anymore," Wade glared at Clint and took a big bite from Clint's mashed potatoes, continuing with the food in his mouth. "Her roommate told me she was out and I figured she was with you. Took a while but I called all the taxi services until I found the one that drove you and then it just got easier from there. You could have just asked me to come and then this wouldn't be so awkward."

"Believe me, there are a number of reasons why this is awkward and us not telling you where we were going is only a minor one," frowned Clint, pulling his plate further away from Wade. "Hey, since when did you two have 'girl time'?"

"We sort of did when we first met but not lately," Darcy admitted. "Wade's actually really good at nail art. Well, once you get him to stop painting penises."

"Hear that Clint? I'm a natural," Wade said proudly. Suddenly, he saw a waitress and started to snap his fingers at her. "Excuse me, garçon! A little more service here!"

"You do know that means 'boy' in French? And that she's a woman," Clint asked but didn't get an answer back.

"Yeah you, get me a plate of this stuff, oh some of that and a bottle of this," Wade alternated between pointing at the tables of other guests and the one he was sitting at. The waitress was confused at the new arrival but nodded nevertheless and went to place the order.

"I'm not paying for that," Clint stated firmly.

"What? That's rude. You really don't know how to treat a girl do you?"

"I do but my dates don't normally have a third wheel."

"Clinton! Manners. She sitting right here," Wade whispered dramatically, making Clint groan in frustration and Darcy roll her eyes as she took a long sip from her wine. Assuming the night was going to go the same direction as all the other dates Wade crashed, Clint probably wasn't going to hear the important thing Darcy wanted to tell him. Hopefully this time, Wade wouldn't try to kiss them both goodnight. That had been...unpleasant.

"Excuse me, ma'am," Clint called the closest waitress he could find. "Do you serve croissants?"

"Ooh! Croissants!" Wade sat up straight with a huge grin and Darcy tried but failed at covering up a loud laugh.


	4. There's Something About Deadpool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I be working on other things? Yes. But writing this is oddly soothing...

The mission hadn't gone too bad in the end, even if it was hell throughout. He was able to gather most of the information they needed, install a few listening devices and take out the intended target with only one casualty. The worst damage Clint had sustained was a few cuts on his lower arm from an unplanned knife fight (resulting in the casualty) but they weren't deep and were healing without infection. Despite Clint not really caring about the injuries as he'd sustained much worse over the years, Darcy had been upset to see the red clotted wounds. While she didn't act like it was the end of the world because hey, shit like this happened when you were an agent for a secret organisation, Darcy still fretted over him a bit. She stood a little closer to him, her hand brushed the back of his when they walked or ran her fingers through his hair with coy fondness in her eyes before kissing the side of his mouth whenever she thought they were alone. Clint had to admit that he liked it quite a bit. It was nice to have someone worry over you. Maybe it was just because that someone was Darcy or because she hadn't blown anything too out of proportion or simply that he got more chances to see the soft side of Darcy's personality behind her snide comments. He could probably get used to it though, having her be just that bit more physical and sweet towards him.

He kept these thoughts to himself though. Not like he had anyone he wanted to tell that wouldn't bust his balls about getting soft.

Over the two weeks Clint had been gone, the weather in NYC had warmed up and the rise in temperature didn't seem to show any signs of stopping. In celebration of the surprisingly warm weather and just being alive, Darcy and Clint decided to grab a hot dog and take a short walk in the park for their lunch break. It meant fresh air and movement which hadn't been a huge priority for him in the past couple weeks. He didn't need to be asked twice. The hot dogs had been eaten quickly and by the time Darcy finished her story about her great uncle always giving her the stink eye for being a bad pork eating Jew, they found an empty bench.

"Bacon is a gift to mankind. Besides, not like it's really pork. It's sort of its own category. I don't see how he doesn't accept that as a valid argument."

"I know, and he always shells out more for my sister's Chanukah gift because she pretends everything she eats is kosher. I've seen her devour a whole lobster in less than 15 minutes. Don't get me started on her bacon habits," Darcy huffed, plopping down on the bench. "He's still sore that my mom didn't marry a nice Jewish boy so he takes it out on me because I look more like my dad than Liz. He moans about all the Jewish boys that were after my mom but then she goes and elopes with some Protestant."

Their conversation had quickly shifted from harmless to upsetting, at least for Darcy. She was starting to gesture with her hands more enthusiastically than normal and her frown was leaning more towards a sulky pout.

"A nice Jewish boy huh?" Clint raised his eyebrow and sat down next to Darcy, placing an arm on the back of the bench. "You should bring me round. Let the strange new Gentile take some of the brunt," Clint joked, surprising himself that he'd even suggested she take him to meet her family. What worried Clint more was that he wasn't completely panicking at the thought. That was new. But it wasn't like suggestion meant he was  _actually_  going to meet them. That must have been the reason for his lack of anxiety.

Darcy smiled but let the suggestion slide and changed the subject completely, much to Clint's relief.

"So, you believe Tony when he says he's the reason for the warm weather?"

"What? That he created a weather machine?" Clint chuckled. "When Tony makes it snow for that Christmas in July party he promised I'll believe him. Till then, I'll just blame global warming."

"Yeah, I guess" Darcy agreed. They fell into a comfortable silence, watching an old woman on a nearby bench feed a large flock of pigeons. Clint could feel Darcy shifting uncomfortably next to him and he wasn't surprised when she turned to look at him.

"Um, sorry about going on about my family. I didn't mean to," Darcy apologised, looking abashed. She seemed a little unsure but Clint had a feeling it wasn't related to the talk about her home life.

"Not a problem. Everyone has family problems," shrugged Clint, trying not to think too much about Barney. Any thoughts dispersed when he felt Darcy place a soft hand on his thigh.

"I missed you while you were gone," Darcy said suddenly. The earnestness in her voice surprised Clint.

"I missed you too," Clint smiled, caught off guard.

"Remember before you left? I said I wanted to tell you something?" started Darcy, biting her lip and looking at her lap where she was fiddling with her hands.

"Yeah," Clint said gently, remembering how they had been rudely interrupted on their last date before he left. It felt like ages ago. He stifled the urge to move the hair in front of her face behind her ear and decided to let her collect her thoughts.

"I really like you Clint," Darcy began, eyes focused on the pigeons and the woman nearby. "So I want to be honest with you."

She paused and turned her head to stare at Clint. Something unpleasant started to gnaw at Clint, as possibilities of what she wanted to tell him (none good) sped through his head. At his silence, Darcy sighed and continued.

"I, I haven't actually dated anyone for a while. Not since my last year of college. I know it may not sound like a big deal but it is to me. Mostly because my last boyfriend wasn't...well it didn't end well."

"How not well?" asked Clint cautiously, not liking the direction this was going and already feelings his arms clench. If someone had knowingly hurt her...

"Restraining order," Darcy answered matter-of-factly, choosing to look at Clint again. It was obvious that she'd already accepted that part of the situation. She shook her head and looked straight ahead. "Things started out great but he got sort of, creepy? I guess. He was so nice when we met but, when we got serious he started to get suspicious of everyone I talked to and kept on accusing me of cheating on him. When I got the internship with Jane, he went crazy and insisted I was leaving him for another guy. I broke up with him and he didn't take it well. When he broke into my apartment and trashed my place, I got really scared. I called the police, got a restraining order because he kept hanging around my street at night. Going to New Mexico had been a big relief."

Clint stayed silent during her story, trying to process what she was telling him. Gut instinct told Clint that there were a lot of important details Darcy was keeping out but he didn't want to press her for them, especially with how keyed up he was already with just the basics. Honestly, he wanted to find this guy and teach him a lesson even if he didn't think it would do much good now. The tone Darcy used to tell the story was upsetting in its own way. It verged on detached, like she'd told the story to enough police officers and lawyers that it almost stopped being real. Was only a story except for the chilling images that Darcy saw in front of her eyes. Clint had seen it and done it himself enough times.

"I've had problems trusting guys since then and just have been afraid to let anyone get close to me. I haven't dated anyone. I haven't even kissed a guy since it happened. Well, not until you," admitted Darcy.

"Thank you for being honest. It doesn't change how I feel about you. But I'm glad you told me," Clint said slowly, trying to decide how all this information would sit with him. He was honest when he said it didn't change his feelings towards Darcy but he wasn't sure what it meant for the two of them in the long run. Or what she thought it meant for them.

"It's just important that you know. So you know where I'm coming from. I mean I know I joke a lot about guys and sex and stuff. But it's sort of a defence thing. Like, if I joke about it, it's not as scary. Not that it's all scary but-"

"I think I know what you mean," Clint chimed in. "If you can laugh about something that upsets you then it's like you win."

"Exactly," she sounded relieved to have him understand her so easily. "When things started to get serious with us. At least, I think they are?"

"I'd say so," nodded Clint.

"Good," sighed Darcy. "Well, it didn't scare me half as much as I thought it would have. Once I started trusting you, it felt easy. You're different. I feel safe with you."

"I'm glad that you do," said Clint, offering her a smile while taking calming breaths through his nose. He wasn't entirely sure what he should say back, if anything else. The quiet didn't seem to upset her though, much to Clint's relief. His smile became genuine when Darcy scooted closer to him and he shifted his arm from on the back of the bench to around her shoulders. They held each others gaze for a few seconds before leaning in for a kiss. It started out chaste but grew deeper when Darcy pressed for more. Their tongues tangled languidly together. Clint felt his heartbeat speed up as Darcy trailed her hands slowly up his chest, behind his neck and lightly scratched her nails against his scalp. Clint didn't want to think about why he was reacting that way to the soft touches so he just held Darcy closer and kept his eyes shut.

When they broke apart, Darcy snuggled into Clint's neck and tickled him with a breathless sigh. He hoped she didn't feel his rapid pulse.

"I'm serious though. I really missed you," Darcy insisted quietly. "While you were gone, I started thinking about how great you've been. And how patient. Then I was, well I was hoping that we could get dinner tomorrow and that, maybe I could spend the night at yours?"

Clint actually pulled away slightly, if only to look at Darcy's face to make sure that they were thinking about the same thing. Her shy but longing smile told him she was. It made him grin goofily as anticipation drummed through his veins.

"I'd love to."

"Good," said Darcy, looking like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. They leaned in for a quick kiss and just enjoyed the closeness for a while. Clint was about to suggest they forget about arriving back to work on time when there was a sigh right behind them. They turned around quickly to find Wade, bent over so he was eye level with them, batting his eyelashes and holding a dripping ice cream cone in one hand.

"Isn't this romantic?" Wade said, letting out a saccharine sigh.

"How the hell did you find us?" Clint demanded, knowing his glare wouldn't make Wade go away but trying anyway.

"It wasn't easy," Wade stated, shaking off the sentimental act he had put on. "I asked Weasel to hack into some of the city cameras. Want some?" He offered them a lick of the pink and green scoops. They both shook their head no. To their further disappointment, he started to step over the back of the bench right in between them. Darcy and Clint had no real choice but to separate and let Wade sit between them, arm wrapping around each shoulder.

"You sure? I got bubble gum and pistachio. Come on! Who wants a taste of my nuts? No one?"

With resentment, Clint took a look at the ice cream cone that was was nearly dripping onto his shirt.

This was going to be a problem.

* * *

"Hey Nat, I really need your help," Clint started in what he hoped was a cheerful tone once Natasha answered her phone.

"Oh really?" She intoned uninterested and unimpressed that he had called for a favour instead of facing her like an adult.

"Yeah, I need to you to keep Wade busy tonight-"

"Has hell froze over? I didn't get the memo," Natasha laughed in disbelief at the request.

"No but this is really important," insisted Clint.

"Clint, you brought the stray in so you should take care of it," pointed out Natasha and Clint couldn't help but feel a little insulted. Yes, he had been on the first recon mission to scope out Wade but he had only been following orders. It wasn't like he asked Wade to join SHIELD out of impulse. Sure he was entertained by Wade's insanity at first but it didn't mean he had to watch over everything Wade did. That was Phil's job and Phil got a nice raise because of it.

"Nat, please, this is really,  _really_  important. He keeps on crashing my dates with Darcy and I'm pretty sure Darcy and I are gonna have sex tonight but that's not going to happen if Wade keeps on stopping by to ruin the moment."

"Aw, Clint," she all but purred. "You're a grown man. If you can't figure out how to get a woman to have sex with you, you don't deserve it."

" _Nat_ ," whined Clint, out of ideas to secure Natasha's help. At least when Wade was involved. "I'm not the problem. He is."

"What exactly do you expect me to do? As much as I'd be doing a favour for the rest of the world, Nick and Phil would be a little disappointed if I just killed Wade on a whim."

"He likes you. Can you just...distract him."

"And by distract are you insinuating I seduce him? Because that would mean hell really did freeze over."

"You could probably distract him with some crayons and a colouring book. Or something shiny. I don't care what you do. Tie him up or sedate him- whatever you want," begged Clint. There was a long pause where Natasha weighed her options and he could tell she was starting to hesitate.

"I'm still not sure. It's a big step for a woman, sleeping with a man for the first time. Especially with Darcy's history. Did she tell you?"

"Yes. And I want to kill the guy."

"Good, I wouldn't expect any less of you," approved Natasha. "Is Darcy aware of your night plans?"

"She's the one that suggested it."

"Did she now? " Natasha sounded surprised.

"So...Wade?" asked Clint hopefully after the long pause and short intrigued hmm. There was another pause but Natasha eventually sighed.

"I will do my best. But you owe me big time Clint."

"Anything. Anything you want," promised Clint, relieved that he'd found a 'babysitter'.

"You do all my paperwork for a week on any week of my choosing. And once a week for a month, go buy me a knish for lunch from that tiny Polish market I love so much. You know, the one with the adorable little babushka."

"Ugh, that's all the way across the city and that old lady pinches my cheeks every time she sees me."

"Well, she'd rather be pinching your other cheeks so you should be relieved."

"Believe me I am. Don't think I haven't got the gist of what she tells me in Yiddish."

"Sassy old foreign ladies do take quite the liking to you," mused Natasha.

"I think it's my soulful eyes."

"I'm positive it's your ass."

"Thanks, it is nice, isn't it?"

"Well, do we have a deal Clint?"

"Yeah, it's a deal. I'm picking Darcy up at seven tonight. I told Wade we were going out tomorrow night but I know he'll try to stop by my place tonight anyway. _Please_ , keep him occupied."

"I'll remember to hide a few more knives on my person," Natasha stated and Clint swore he heard her start to sharpen some.

"If he's too much trouble, take his Spiderman doll for ransom. He can't sleep without it." There was confused silence from Natasha's end.

"...his what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the more serious tone. Life has been stressful for me and I think I'm also inserting residue angst from another fic I've been working on. You get a little bit of naughty stuff next chapter though. So yay if you're into that!  
> And sorry if I got some Jewish stuff wrong (I'm Buddhist so not the most knowledgeable). From my understanding a Jewish mother= Jewish children, or something like that right?


	5. You Shook Me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. I'm taking pain killers because of wisdom teeth surgery and they make my thinking a bit whoozy so hope this chapter is up to par. May come back to edit later but I really wanted to post the next chapter.  
> Also, this chapter is rated M just for slightly mature situations but there's nothing too explicit.

Their date had gone without a hitch. Large, Wade-sized hitches included. Dinner had taken place at a small but packed Korean restaurant on 32nd Street that served some of the best kimchi pancakes. Even though it took a while to get seated and the smell of Korean food soaked into their clothes, Clint didn't mind because it just meant that Darcy huddled closer to him as they waited and continued to do so throughout dinner. Despite Clint's improving ability to pay attention to what was happening around him while Darcy moulded herself to his side, he still couldn't help but move her hair away from her pale neck so he could smell the perfume dabbled under her ear when the waiter tried to get their order. His actions were only encouraged every time Darcy leaned into his sniffing nose with a laugh or pecked him on the lips. They looked like a sickening couple because they were one. Yet Clint couldn't find it within himself to feel ashamed at how whipped he was. Then Darcy ran a hand through his hair playfully and whispered something into his ear about grabbing a few drinks after dessert. Eventually, Clint decided to hell with feeling ashamed- he didn't care how much of a fool he looked like as long as she kept massaging his scalp and tickling his ear with soft words.

Darcy's inability to keep her hands away from Clint persisted when they walked down a few blocks to grab frozen yogurt for dessert. With every kiss and nuzzle that Clint got from Darcy, the more he was certain that any pinch from the Polish babushka was worth all the uninterrupted time they'd get that night.

Plans to grab a few drinks at a bar changed when Darcy suddenly stopped in the middle of a sentence and pulled Clint into a deep, meaningful kiss without warning. The determined enthusiasm caught him a little off guard and he wasn't able to stop the satisfied growl that left his chest as he tried to balance himself. He could feel the crowd parting around them on the sidewalk in slight aggravation but he didn't care. Instead, Clint wove his fingers into Darcy's long hair and pulled her flush against his body. Darcy showed her approval by running her nails down his back. Fuck, he wanted those nails scratching his skin instead of the fabric of his button up shirt...

Regretfully, Clint broke their kiss to hail a cab but not before kissing Darcy's neck lightly a few times. At his eagerness to try and flag down a cab (because seriously, it was like you could never get a cab in NYC when you needed one), Darcy laughed. He couldn't ignore the euphoria that bloomed in his chest when her ringing laugh filled his ears. It was at that point that Clint knew he was completely, head under water gone. A few seconds later when Darcy slid her hand into his and squeezed, he knew he didn't care.

After the first few cabs passed them, Darcy just dragged Clint to the subway entrance at the end of the block and said a few more minutes wouldn't hurt them, especially given Friday night traffic. They spent the time waiting for the train and the ride itself spooning innocently. A part of Clint was conent at the contact and somewhat disappointed when their stop arrived but more parts of him were excited at what was to come.

The closer they walked to his apartment, the more the atmosphere between them changed. It wasn't awkward per se, just held more expectation but Clint was determined to not ruin the ease that had been developing. By the time they'd reached the bottom steps of the building, Darcy had started talking about the new amped up taser Stark had made for her and how she couldn't wait to use it. There probably should have been a voice in the back of his head that said he should be worried about brining a taser- trigger happy woman into his apartment but all Clint thought was that her excitement was endearing.

"So, this is it," Clint stated somewhat awkwardly once they reached his entrance and he let the door swing open. Shyly, Darcy followed him inside as Clint flipped the light switch and locked the door behind her.

"Do other SHIELD agents live in the building?" asked Darcy, making light conversation as she took in the surroundings. It was a simple furnished one bedroom apartment, with an open kitchen and living room. It was clean mostly because of the fact that Clint preferred to live light after so many years of constant travelling and also because he didn't spend too much time there. Still, the smile on his face couldn't be helped when he notice Darcy absentmindedly draping her shawl and purse in a haphazard fashion over his sofa. It made the place look a little more lived in.

"Uh, a couple. It's not a SHIELD building even though they found the place for me," Clint admitted, taking off his jacket and letting it join her items. "I don't have any wine but I think there are a couple of beers in the fridge if you're interested?"

"What? Sure, that's fine. Do you mind if I freshen up? Take out my contacts and all that annoying stuff?" asked Darcy bashfully, picking up and patting her purse. He pointed her towards the bathroom that was located in his bedroom, watching the back of her nicely fitting dress with fondness. They'd dressed a little more formal that night, him in a solid blue button up and black dress pants and her in a sleeveless gold and blue dress with matching heels. What really impressed Clint was how form fitting her outfit was when he knew she preferred baggier clothes. It made him feel special. Shaking his head away from the thought, Clint decided to pull out the beers from his fridge.

"My place isn't half as nice as this. I've started to consider Tony's offer to let me stay at Stark Tower free of charge. Though not sure how I feel about him being able to monitor me 24/7," Darcy called out from the bathroom.

"I understand that," sympathised Clint, placing the beers on the coffee table and relaxing on the sofa. "Still not entirely sure JARVIS isn't going to go all Eagle Eye on us."

He took time to take off his shoes and socks while taking a large swig from the beer bottle. They continued to talk about the pros and cons of JARVIS when Clint realised he'd almost drank all of his beer and Darcy still hadn't come out of the bathroom. Fortunately, by the time he'd decided to speak up about it, Darcy had wandered back out into the living room. Not so luckily, Clint almost did a spit take with his beer when he saw Darcy standing in a matching pair of polka dotted bra and high-waisted panties. A garter belt held up the nude stockings he wasn't even aware she was wearing and since when did Clint get so lax on his observations? Quickly, the blood was leaving his brain but he fought to keep a cool head. Particularly when he noticed Darcy's uncertainty at his reaction. All in all, it was normally a good reaction except for the fact he was choking on beer.

"Wow," Clint managed to cough out.

"Sorry, maybe I should have waited," Darcy started to second guess and started to edge back towards the bathroom.

"No, no, I like it," assured Clint, putting his beer down and standing up. He quickly walked over and took her hands in his then twirled her around playfully so he could get a better look at her pale skin and perky curves. Her soft laugh let him know she was loosening up again and he noticed she'd cleaned the makeup from her face and dabbled on more perfume. "I like it a lot."

"Good," admitted Darcy, popping up a leg and burying her face in his chest while trying to unbutton his shirt.

"Someone's eager," Clint observed, trying to smother the smugness in his voice. Tugging Darcy's hands away from his chest, Clint kissed her fingers lightly and earning one of the blushes he loved so much.

"I'm tired of waiting," admitted Darcy with a slight frown but Clint was determined to wipe it away. Cupping her face in his hands, Clint leaned in and captured her lips in a short but intense kiss.

"Waiting can be nice," whispered Clint, pleased at the dreamy look he'd given Darcy. Excited glee flooded her face when he'd swiftly picked her up bridal style. "But if you don't want to wait..."

They made their way into his bedroom, Clint only taking time to turn on a dim bedside lamp. It didn't take long for him to get his shirt off but they ended up spending a good amount to time exploring each other's eager mouths and letting blind hands roam bodies. Clint spent most of the time worshipping Darcy's body than fully comprehending the fingers running up and down his chest. And just because he liked to tease her, Clint took his sweet time placing short kisses up and down Darcy's legs and thighs as he slowly tugged off her stockings. Similar treatment was taken with the removal of her bra and Clint let himself smirk slightly with each pleased moan he worked from Darcy. As retaliation, Darcy undid Clint's trousers and rubbed a hand up and down his hard length, causing Clint to groan loud and brazenly into her neck. In a rather complicated multitasking move that he was proud of, Clint nipped the tops of Darcy's perk breasts, tugged at her panties and started to fish his drawers for a condom.

An insistent knocking on the door broke the mood but only slightly. After the initial tightening of bodies at the distraction, Darcy pulled Clint's face back to hers.

"If we ignore them, they'll go away," she said, kissing Clint and he happily obliged.

Except the knocking didn't stop and only grew more annoying. Clint knew it wasn't a neighbour telling them to quiet down which meant someone had sneaked through the locked entrance-

"Clint? I know you're in there. I can see the light through the bottom crack," Wade shouted through the door, causing an anguished curse of 'no' to leave Clint's mouth. He groaned in protest when Darcy started to untangle her body from his in defeat.

"I heard you! Now let me in. I've got important things to tell you. It's a matter of life and death"

"Make him go away," Darcy ordered with a final lingering kiss and Clint didn't need to be told twice. Angrily cursing Nat under his breath, Clint did up this trousers, pulled on his shirt without bothering to button it up and almost slammed his bedroom door. Stopping himself and taking a calming breath, Clint turned around and looked at Darcy lying on his bed.

"Don't move," he begged before closing the door softly. As Clint padded towards the door, he took a few more calming breaths to make sure he didn't just punch Wade the moment he opened it. Looking through the peephole, she saw Wade looking back and it almost made Clint jump in surprise. Unlocking the door, Clint opened it enough to see Wade carrying a large paper bag in his arms.

"What?" Clint barked out.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the nest," Wade scoffed, nose in the air. Without warning, he tried to barge through the door but Clint kept the opening small.

"I thought you said this was a matter of life or death," Clint continued, wondering how Wade had escaped Nat or maybe she just stopped caring about their deal. There would be no lunch time knishes for her, that was for sure.

"It is. Le petit mort to be precise. It's little death in French. That means orgasm Hawkass."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Clint, feeling a lot more aggravated then he should be with Darcy waiting in bed for him. A bolt of yearning hit and Clint fought the urge to look back towards his bedroom.

"I'm here for you man. Tomorrow you're going on a date with Darcy. The big one. And I mean-" Wade waggled his eyebrows and pointed down " _that_  big one. Well if she decides to let you into her 'secret garden'."

"You're here to give me sex advice?" asked Clint sceptically, crossing his arms and leaning against the door frame in amusement. This should give him a good laugh if anything.

"Yeah, 'cause you know, I know all about the ladies and their lady bits. Thought we could make a real man's night out of it."

"Oh yeah, you read that Grey book huh? I'm sure you've got loads to tell me."

"Yeah, but I've got an even better qualification for all around sex god."

"That would be?" pressed Clint.

"Natasha totally wants my body. If that's not a qualification then I don't know what is," Wade said smugly and Clint tried to casually wipe his face to hide his knowing smile. So Nat had decided to go for seduction that night? Or...well Wade thought a lot of people were trying to seduce him when they obviously weren't.

"I thought she wanted to mutilate your body."

"Only in kinky sex ways. She was totally falling for my manly wiles earlier but then she got called in for some mission," shrugged Wade and Clint sighed in frustration. While he couldn't fault Natasha for having to go on a sudden mission, he could still resent her for not tying Wade up before she left.

"Oh, and I brought some early scenes for my YouTube debut. Still need to shoot a few more scenes but it's like a trailer. So what do you say? Watch me in all my charismatic glory and talk about Darcy's erogenous zones while we eat chimichangas?" grinned Wade, lifting up the bag higher and wafting the aromatic southwestern cuisine towards Clint's nose. He made another move to enter the apartment but Clint blocked him again.

"Come on," whined Wade and Clint wavered slightly. It was actually a nice sentiment even if all of the advice that Wade was likely to give him would be worthless. Also, Wade always knew where to buy the best Mexican and Tex-Mex food. Clint normally had fun with Wade when they were just sitting back, playing video games, eating take-out and talking without worry that Nat would hit them.

" _Oh_ , I get it," Wade said all of a sudden, looking down and nodding his head as if he understood Clint's resistance. He lowered his voice suggestively and leaned in. "Going solo. The new Babes and Bikes came out yesterday right? Or are you a more Girls and Guns guy? Bet you're pretending Darcy's the one in the magazines. Huh? If I were you I'd hide that shit better if you're bringing Darcy here tomorrow. Girls get so upset over that stuff and under the mattress is such an obvious spot."

The accusation caused Clint to want to deny forcibly, especially because he was pretty sure Darcy could hear the conversation. Still, there was a scratching at the back of his mind- as if he should have remembered something but couldn't place his finger on it. Seizing the opportunity of Clint being distracted, Wade bulldozed through and walked straight into the apartment before Clint could stop him.

"Finish up man and tuck that shit away. But first things first, what's your first move gonna be?"

"My first move?" Clint sputtered, upset with himself for accidently letting Wade in. The night was really not going according to plan.

"Yeah, sex move. Now, I say don't use your best stuff the first time. Makes them expect a lot. Keep those up your sleeve for when she's mad at you."

"Sex as a bargaining tool, got it," Clint rolled his eyes but froze when Wade set the bag down on the coffee table and noticed the two abandoned beer bottles. Darcy's shawl was still sprawled on the sofa and Clint knew there was no way that Wade wouldn't notice it. To Clint's surprise, Wade just grabbed the untouched beer and took a sip, frowning at the fact that it was room temperature but didn't question anything further.

"But you always need a signature move that never fails. Personally, I like helicopter dick. Bitches love that. It's fun, keeps her distracted and it's easy."

"I think I'll find something else. Wouldn't want to steal your thunder," mumbled Clint, feeling tension coil tightly in his gut when Wade fell back onto the sofa and sat on Darcy's shawl. Quickly, Wade noticed the shawl and pulled it out from under him to examine it. Again, he didn't ask any questions but wrapped it around his neck without batting an eye.

"You're accessorising, good," Wade approved, taking out the boxes of food from his bag, a DVD, some video games, what looked like scented candles and an aerosol can. He threw the can at Clint who caught it with ease.

"What's this? Alcohol infused chocolate whipped cream?" read Clint, confusion on his face.

"Yeah-" Wade started to explain but it was cut short when Darcy burst through the bedroom door in absolute rage. Her dress had been hastily put on and she was holding her bag in one hand. In the other, there were high quality glossy photos that Clint had never gotten around to burning.

Fuck.

He felt the tight coil in his stomach break and his chest constrict painfully.

Fuck, fuck,  _fuck_.

He forgot all about the pictures.  _How_  could he forget about the pictures? The missions he'd been on had distracted him but  _fuck_. This was not okay. Where the _fuck_  had his head been lately?

"Did you lie to me about the date being tomorrow?" Wade asked insulted but Clint didn't hear him. He was too focused on the angry and hurt expression on Darcy's face. She made sure she was a safe distance away from Clint so he couldn't grab her and her bag was held protectively in front of her chest. They stood staring at each other in tense silence for a moment until Darcy spoke first.

"What are these doing in your bedroom?" Darcy asked, unable to stop her voice from breaking. Tears were welling in her eyes and Clint felt his heart crumbling.

"Wha- why were you looking under my mattress?" Clint tried to divert pitifully while thinking of anything to say that could make the situation better. Nothing really came to mind.

"I thought it would be funny if I was looking at one of your porno mags when you came back-" Darcy started but stopped to cover her mouth as a sob left. "Not so funny now I guess."

"Darcy look, I can explain. I took them from Stark and I was gonna burn them but-"

"But what? You were planning on having sex with me on top of the pictures first? What kind of sick fuck are you?"

"Not the sex move I was thinking about but I guess with the right girl..." Wade interrupted but became very interested in his takeout when he got a glare from both Darcy and Clint.

"I  _trusted_  you," Darcy continued, tears now streaming down her face. Clint just wanted to wipe them away and hold her until she stopped crying. "I trusted you and you- you just-  _god_. Why? Are you trying to hurt me?"

"No, I'd never hurt you," swore Clint, reaching out towards her but she started to back away catiously. He let his arms fall lamely to his sides and tried to ignore the stab in his chest. "I swear Darcy, I would never hurt you. I promise, I took them from Tony when the pictures were leaked and I was gonna burn them but I, I didn't think it was a big deal to keep them. Then you told me about your ex and I know it was wrong of me but I forgot that I had them. If I remembered I would have destroyed them. I swear. You have to believe me."

"You still kept them when you had no right to," Darcy said, voice a little stronger now. "So you, when you were making a big deal about scaring people off, it was all a show to get me to trust you?"

"No-"

"This is just like Alan. Why did I kid myself into thinking you were better?"

"Who's Alan?" Wade suddenly spoke up.

"I'm  _nothing_  like Alan," Clint claimed vehemently, assuming that Alan was her shithead of an ex. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat but felt his insides rotting at Darcy's stare. Other than the betrayal on her face, her eyes were hollow. It made a cold shiver run down Clint's spine.

"You're right, Alan didn't keep half naked pictures of me under his bed to jerk off to. Or maybe he did and I didn't know about it."

Clint tried to speak up again but Darcy lifted a hand to silence him.

"You know what, it doesn't even matter anymore," Darcy said quietly wiping her nose then stuffing the photos back into their envelope and the envelope in her bag. Next, she pulled her heels out of the bag and messily stepped into them. She made her way towards the door, moving when Clint tried to walk towards her again. "I'm done with this Clint and I'm done with you," sighed Darcy, walking out the door. As she left, Clint felt like his heart was ripped out and all the blood was draining from his body. Every nerve wanted to follow her but guilt and self directed anger was keeping him rooted to the spot. He wanted to get himself out of the situation but nothing useful was running through his mind. It was stupid because Clint lived for high stake and high adrenaline moments yet he saw no real exit strategy this time. Thoughts rushed through his brain but all Clint could really understand was that he wanted to crawl inwards and try to forget everything.

"Dude, you should have started with helicopter dick," Wade offered, earning an intense death glare from Clint. Before Clint could rip Wade a new one, his cell phone rang. It was the familiar alert tone that told him there was an Avengers emergency. Having a distraction and likelihood of being able to shoot something was actually welcoming for Clint. He knew that all he would do otherwise was sit, stew and replay what had happened without actually coming up with solutions. At least he could let out some steam this way.

Wade, who was also familiar with the special Avengers' tune sat up straighter.

"Oh, Avengers assemble time? Can I join? Please?  _Please_?" pouted Wade, holding up clasped hands liked a child.

"I am going to suit up and you are going to follow Darcy and make sure that she gets home safe. If you hurt her or even annoy her, I swear, I will hunt you down and cut you limb from limb," growled Clint, pointing a finger at Wade's chest. He didn't wait to hear if Wade agreed or not and went to his bedroom to put on his Kevlar suit.

"I never get to have any fun. It's not fair," Wade whined loudly but started to pack up. "I hope someone bothers her just so I can beat them up. You better watch my video when you get back by the way. I will consider any constructive criticism and then throw it away."

"Just leave me a goddamn chimichanga," Clint called back. Even if his relationship with Darcy had gone to shit, the least he could do was make sure Wade left food for him as Clint thought about his next plan of attack. He didn't know what it would take but Clint knew he was going to win Darcy back.

 


	6. From Deadpool, With Love

The Avengers assembled to prevent a small attack just outside of New York City which would have easily expanded to the whole state if they didn't intervene. It had taken a few days of heavy fighting and they had almost considered calling in Wade. Natasha joined them after the first day once she was able to wrap up her classified mission a little early. Everyone was exhausted of course once the attack subsided and after their traditional post-fight meal so Clint didn't bring up his broken deal with Natasha. He wasn't in the mood for thinking.

But a day of restlessness was enough to have Clint keyed up and knocking down Natasha's door. She answered with an unimpressed brow raise. 

"Yes Clint?" 

"I thought we had a deal," began Clint, arms twitching to go to the shooting range and let out more stress. His brain didn't want to focus on the moving targets though. What he was doing was childish and stupid but Clint wanted to shout at someone. He was angry at Wade, at Alan, at Nat and mostly, at himself. But he was done shouting at himself and had gone past the point of knowing it wasn't going to amount to anything. At least Natasha put up a good fight and he wanted a fight. Hopefully she'd just avoid snapping his neck with her legs. 

"Sorry," Natasha said with a touch of defensiveness and irritation. "As you know, I was called in for an urgent mission and I assumed you would have been done all ready. I timed it from when you were still wooing me."

"Very funny. I wasn't done, thanks. In fact I hadn't even started."

"Clint, I think we really know why you're here," Natasha narrowed her eyes at Clint and her a disapproving look dried his mouth. Oh shit, she knew. It would be hard to verbally spar when it was obvious that he was pretty much all in the wrong. 

"Ah..."

"Exactly. Keeping those pictures. That was very bad of you Clint," berated Natasha, making Clint feel like a naughty little child with his hand caught in a candy jar. His anger deflated fast as he tried to work through another round of excuses.

"Look I know. It was unacceptable but I...I forgot about them. I swear to you I completely forgot I had them. And I didn't know she was going to be looking under my mattress-"

"Even if you didn't destroy them when you first got them, it should have been the first thing you did after she told you about her ex-boyfriend."

"I know, I _know._ I forgot. Is it that hard to accept? You need to believe me- no, I know you believe it when I swear I never wanted to upset-"

"Clint, stop giving yourself excuses," Natasha interrupted bluntly.

"But-" 

"There's no point anymore. You did it and you're sorry."

"I _am_ sorry." 

"Good. So what are you going to do to make it up to her?" 

"Uh...I was hoping you could help me with that," grinned Clint hopefully and a little forlornly.      

"Really? Was your plan to shout at me then ask for help?" Natasha challenged before snickering at him. "Clint, women aren't that hard to understand. One good rule of thumb is to not keep secret pictures of them when they've previously shown great distress over them." 

"Look," Clint sighed, becoming serious. "The main problem is that she doesn't trust me anymore. If this was a normal stupid fight about dirty laundry or something then I could fix it but I...I really fucked up this time and I need your advice on how to make it right again." 

"If you want Darcy to forgive you, you need to show her you really do care. And aren't a complete pervert."

"I'm not a pervert at all."

"You're a man, aren't you? Ergo you're a pervert but you could have done much worse. Besides, I think that you're good for Darcy, even if you are a massive idiot. I guess you could say it's part of your occasional charm," Natasha said while sizing Clint up cynically. 

"So...you're going to help me?" ventured Clint uncertainly. If Natasha was fond of someone, she often displayed affection via derision and it was sometimes hard to distinguish when she was teasing playfully or actually insulting. Clint liked to think he was good enough at telling the difference at this point in their relatioship. Her insults were a lot more mentally scarring once you processed what she said.  

"Yes, I'm going to clean up your mess like I always do."

"Now that's an exaggeration," Clint frowned, following Nat into her apartment. 

"Bangkok, Guadalajara, Munich..." trailed Natasha, counting the occasions on her fingers.

"I would have figured it out eventually," Clint protested feebly. 

"And now New York City. Because honestly, under your bed?" This time Natasha laughed openly at him. "Really? You couldn't think of a better hiding spot?"

"It...was an off day."

"She likes E.E. Cummings."

"What?" The sudden change of topic threw Clint off. Natasha didn't look back at him but went straight to her kitchen and started to make coffee. 

"She likes E.E. Cumming's poetry. She lent me one of her books. I have a book of Rainer Maria Rilke's poems on the coffee table. Look through it and you might find something good. Also send a lengthy apology because I refuse to put in anymore good words for you if you keep trying to contradict them." 

"I just recite her a few poems and that's it?" scoffed Clint. Flowers and candy, sure he could do that. Poems though...that just wasn't his thing. Too 'feely'. It was up there with keeping a dream journal. Flipping through the worn out book in front of him, Clint frowned when he noticed that it was all in German. His pidgin German was a little rusty.

"No, that's just one of the things you'll do. You're going to send her lots of presents and pretty words before you even attempt to talk to her face to face. The words are the most important part. Oh and a fair warning. She'll probably throw it all out so don't feel too insulted." Natasha was now pulling out a couple of mugs from the cabinet. Sighing, Clint made himself comfortable on her sofa and went back to trying to decipher the supposed magical words of Rilke. 

 

* * *

  

 The moment Clint walked into Fury's office, he heaved out a sigh at the sight of Wade sitting in one of the waiting room chairs. Honestly, his day could not get any worse. Not only did he have to attend some meeting to explain why he was being slapped with a sexual harassment case, but he would have to sit next to Wade while he waited. Knowing Fury, he'd make Clint wait just a little bit longer than needed as a punishment for wasting his time (at least it would be a waste once Clint explained his side of the story). 

Clint actually had no idea why Darcy had filed the sexual harassment case against him. Okay...he had an idea but he didn't think the case had any real merit to earn a berating from Fury. Phil maybe, but not Fury. A majority of what could be considered actual harassment happened at his apartment and off duty. While his apartment was a SHIELD issued apartment, it wasn't _on_ official SHIELD property. And, looking at Darcy's thong above slipping jeans happened once. _Once_. 

Getting Darcy to just look at him had been much harder this time round, even with Nat's advice. He'd barraged her with 7 types of flowers, numerous edible arrangements, cards with pictures of adorable animals, poems (that he'd found and that he'd written), stuffed animals, some limited edition Avenger toys, expensive chocolates, a bottle of champagne and even a box of pop tarts. Most of the things were shared with the lab but Clint could tell from Bruce's brief updates that she was wearing thin. Bruce was also pretty sure that Darcy was keeping the cards and poems in a special drawer instead of using them to start a bon fire in the middle of the lab so that was a relief. It had taken a while before he could come up with something other than a naughty limerick. Clint had never done this much to get forgiveness from a woman. 

Eventually, complaints were whispered about the labs not having enough room for all the tedious gifts and Clint decided that was his cue to try and talk to Darcy. He made sure there was another person in the lab with her and kept his distance while he begged her to consider to at least go on a date with him that upcoming Saturday where she could verbally abuse or curse him out if she wanted. The promise was that if she still didn't want anything to do with him after his explanations, then he'd never bother her again. She could even have her taser out on the table if that made her feel better. It did and Darcy agreed with, what Clint hoped he didn't misinterpret, some longing in her eyes. 

Things got better after that. She looked at him in the halls at least and said hi. As a sort of pièce de résistance of gifts, Clint sent a final bouquet and rather expensive gold necklace. When Darcy hadn't acknowledged them though, he'd been a little hurt. They seemed to be getting back on track after their conversation. Then Darcy sent him a text cancelling their date on Saturday without an explanation and went back to refusing to look at him when they passed each other in the hall, Clint had been baffled. After four texts, he realised that he wasn't going to be getting a reason or a rain check from her.  

So unless sending flowers, poems, toys and chocolates to someone and just being a Goddamn gentleman was harassment, Clint couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong. It was a shame because he was really looking forward to their date. Even if he would have been begging for most of it. 

Normally, Clint saw better from a distance but no amount of distance, large or small could explain the stern email from Fury stating he was personally investigating the serious accusations made against Clint. It also wouldn't change the fact that he'd have to sit next to Wade right now. Clint wasn't in the mood. 

"Isn't this exciting? It's like we're waiting in the principals office," Wade grinned when Clint took the seat next to him. On Wade's lap, there was what looked like a gun catalogue with a few items circled.

"What are you here for? Trying to convince Fury that your over budget gun request is necessary?"

"No, that's next week with Phil. I'm pretty sure it's about Bob. The big H finally saw my video."

"Yeah, I bet they're not too happy with him wearing his old HYRDA uniform and humping your head in an elevator to Gangnam Style." 

"Hawkass! You finally watched it!" Wade smiled and it was bordering scary. 

"Yeah, I watched it a couple nights ago," admitted Clint, a little uncomfortable at how excited Wade seemed to be. "I'm surprised Fury didn't make you take it down yet. There's a lot of agents in it. Did they know you were going to put the footage on the internet?"

"Dance bombing isn't a terrorist activity Clinton," Wade rolled his eyes, somewhat offended at the insinuation that his video was something other than genius. 

"That's debatable." 

The video had been similar to the original. Some copied scenes but Wade's had more harassing people around New York and at HQ with that horse dance. And more humping. He did have his Deadpool costume on under a white tux jacket so at least he hadn't shown his face. Thankfully, the halls of SHIELD that he did show in the video didn't expose enough to become a potential security threat, at least as far as Clint could see. In terms of foresight, that was probably the best they could hope from Wade. Or maybe they needed to thank Weasel because he was probably one who edited the video and told Wade to hide his face. 

"What's your favourite scene?" Wade asked suddenly, practically bouncing in his chair and any indication of his previous sulk evaporated. 

"Uh, the one where Darcy tasered you," Clint answered, wishing right now that he'd been the one to do it. He'd actually watched the video a few more times just for that scene. Wade had tried to sneak up on Darcy to hump the air behind her as she was walking down a hall but she reacted on impulse. The scene ended with Wade falling to the ground and Darcy chasing after who was holding the camera (again probably Weasel). The fact that she had automatically tasered Wade and went after Weasel with no fear or remorse just added to the reasons why Clint was attracted to her. 

"Yeah that was fun, you know you twitch some after you wake up? Stark made her a special one with jacked up voltage," explained Wade, not at all phased at the fact that he'd been tasered. Though he had probably gone through it numerous times in the past and was used to it now.

"She mentioned. She's pretty proud of it," said Clint before clearing his throat. "Actually, I was wondering. Do you know the identity of Spiderman?" 

No one at SHIELD had been able to find more information on the vigilante Spiderman, even though he had helped out the Avengers occasionally. Once the fight was over, the guy practically disappeared. Often right after a complaint that he'd saved the people of New York loads of times and didn't have his own billboard like Tony and Steve. Clint didn't think because Wade slept with a stuffed Spiderman doll man that it actually meant he knew the guy but he'd reconsidered the possibility after watching the video. A scene towards the end saw Wade chasing after Spiderman across a rooftop with arms wide open, shouting 'love me little orphan boy!' at the top of his lungs.  

"Nah, I've been trying to get a little sneak peak but he's so shy. It was actually pure luck that he showed up. And by luck I mean I pretend to mug someone."

"Pretended or actually did?"   

 "Wade, please come in," Phil interrupted the conversation from the open door of Fury's office. His face was grim and his voice forbidding but Wade didn't seem to mind. In fact, Wade stood up and hopped over Gangnam style, waving his gun catalogue above his head all the way to the door.

"We'll be with you as soon as possible Clint," Phil promised and the calm tone of voice helped Clint relax. The tone said Phil knew Clint wasn't in the wrong. 

Soon after the door was closed, Clint's attention was caught by the sound of objects shifting in a box. Turning his head, Clint saw Darcy standing ramrod straight by the secretary's desk. She was staring straight at Clint with a deer in the headlights expression and it only made him feel worse. Today she dressed a little more formal than she usually did with a large dark blue cardigan, a conservative floral dress and brown knee high boots. Her hair was held tightly in a bun and Clint had the urge to undo it and run his fingers through her curls. In her grip she held a plain medium sized box that seemed to have some shipping slips on the side.  

Their staring lasted a few more more moments before she shook herself out of her thoughts and pointedly ignored Clint. She walked over and picked the chair furthest from him, placing the box in between them to try and make even more space. Even though she could feel Clint's eyes on her, she stared straight ahead. It stung. 

When the silence became too much for Clint, he finally spoke up. 

"So, how have you been?" He ventured tentatively but frowned when the sound of his voice made her tense up. Clint allowed her some time to answer but didn't get one. Trying not to be discouraged, he tried again. 

"Did you get the-"

"I think it's better if we don't talk right now," snapped Darcy, not moving her eyes from the point in the wall straight ahead of her that held her captivation and Clint kept his mouth shut. They sat back in awkward silence, Clint noticing from the corner of his eye how Darcy relaxed at the quiet. Sighing and leaning back in his chair with arms crossed, Clint decided to focus on the door and will it open with his mind. It didn't work of course but ten minutes and thirty seven seconds later it opened. 

Yes, he counted. 

"Good. I see you've arrived Miss Lewis," Phil said gently, offering Darcy a kind smile. Clint wasn't sure if he was more surprised at the smile or the fact it didn't seem Wade was leaving the office. Then again, it was possible Fury just threw Wade out his window. No one could blame him for that and the office had pretty good sound proofing. 

"Agent Barton, Miss Lewis, if you please," Phil had suddenly gone back to his business face and gestured into the office with an arm. As Clint and Darcy both made their way over, Darcy still refused to look at Clint. Instead of trying to catch her eye again, Clint lagged a little until Darcy was walking in front of him. When they both entered the office, they stopped to notice Wade was waving jovially from one of three chairs placed in front of Fury's desk. At Fury's desk sat the man himself, hands folded neatly in front of him and face dangerous as ever. 

"You're a naughty boy Clinton, you should have told me you were here to settle a sexual harassment case. I could have given you some pointers," said Wade.

"What's he doing here?" Darcy asked with a suspicious glare, itching for the taser she had left in the labs. 

"It was at my request Miss Lewis, please humour us for a bit longer. It will make sense, I promise," Phil answered. When Darcy finally nodded, she was ushered into the chair furthest from Wade so Clint had to sit in the middle. Phil took his place, standing behind Fury and the meeting began. 

"Now as we all know, some pretty serious allegations have been made against Agent Barton and we're here to get to the bottom of this," Fury started, voice commanding as he gave Clint and Darcy a flinty one-eyed stare. "Although we had to drop some because they were out of SHIELD jurisdiction, I thought it was important to address the items that had recently been sent to Miss Lewis down in the labs." 

"Come on-" Clint shouted outraged that some harmless gifts had got him in trouble. 

"Clint, please," Phil advised and Clint sat back in his chair with a huff. 

"Can I say I don't feel comfortable or safe sitting next to him right now. Coulson said this was going to be a private meeting," Darcy announced, voice breaking a little. With a frown, Clint looked over and saw she was sinking further into her chair, hands gripped tightly on the box on her lap. Her face was a combination of betrayal and anger, with tears shining in her eyes. Not thinking, Clint placed a comforting hand on Darcy's shoulder but quickly pulled back when she flinched at the touch. 

"For the moment, Agent Barton, I think it's best if everyone kept their hands to themselves. Especially _you_ ," Fury directed the last portion to Wade, who was sitting back in his chair with legs extended straight and looking rather bored. 

"Moi?" Wade asked in feigned innocence. Fury didn't pay any more attention to him and continued. 

"Back to the matter at hand. Miss Lewis claims that a package was sent to her with alarming contents that constitute as sexual harassment on SHIELD property during her working hours. Is this correct Miss Lewis?" 

"Yes, I brought it here."

"Good, now can you please explain what was sent and who sent it to you?" Asked Fury. At Darcy's hesitation, he added a little softer, "take as much time as you need." 

"Thanks," Darcy swallowed and then began. She lifted up the box she had been holding so everyone could see. "So, on Friday, I got to work and found this package on my desk. It was addressed to me and I assumed because it had got past security that it was safe."

Clint turned towards Darcy again, a lot more intrigued. He was pretty sure he'd only sent her the flowers and the necklace. The necklace didn't need that big of a box to carry it either. Did someone send her some type of letterbomb or threat because she was interacting with him? The possibility that it happened under his nose really pissed him off. He should have been there for her, figured out what exactly happened then track down and take down the asshole that was threatening Darcy. 

"Was there any indication of who sent it?" Phil kindly encouraged. 

"Yes, when I opened the box, there was a card on top that said," Darcy opened one of the box flaps and pulled out a plain cream card and read from it. " _Dear Darcy, thought this would spice up Saturday night. Love Clint Barton. PS Read up_." 

"Ah, how sweet," Wade cooed and Fury glared. "What? Education is good. We're still pro-education right?"

"Please ignore him Miss Lewis," Fury suggested. In reply, Wade let out an insulted sound and dramatically pulled out the gun catalogue, making a show of his flipping though. 

"No problem. We had planned on a date last Saturday but I cancelled it when I found out he was an insane stalky pervert," Darcy spat, making Clint's brow furrow. There was no way that Clint had sent that card inside some mystery box. It was obvious that someone had set him up and he quickly turned his gaze toward Wade who was still looking through the pages of his catalogue. 

"And inside the box Miss Lewis?" Phil prompted again. 

"Uh, there were, some work inappropriate items. Just...inappropriate in general to assume that it's okay to send someone," Darcy opened the box and started to pile out the contents onto Fury's desk. As each item was taken out, Clint's eyes widened in shock. No wonder Darcy wouldn't look at him. He would have shot anyone else multiple times with his arrows for sending that to Darcy had he known. 

The first item was a purple lace thong and it was followed by a matching sheer bra. Next she pulled out a series of glass jars packaged with a paint brush and labelled 'edible body paints'. It didn't stop there and the pile just got larger. A book on sex positions, a large tube of lube, a packet of 'sex checks', a big blue dildo, a rubber ring device that was likely a cock ring, fuzzy leopard print handcuffs, a book on blow jobs and a short whip were all pulled out and put on Fury's desk. Clint curled his hands into tight fists for a moment, trying to fight back the urge to just punch Wade. The gun catalogue had been since ditched for the sex positions book.  

Both Phil and Fury's faces were stony but didn't give any real indication of what they were thinking.

"Now, as you can guess Agent Barton, who ever sent this to Miss Lewis can be expecting severe punishment."

"I would hope so sir, any idea of who sent it?" Clint asked, voice strained. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Darcy staring at him as if she expected his denial. 

"We do," Phil said promptly. "Now as I told Director Fury, I thought it was odd that Agent Barton would send these items to Miss Lewis. So I looked into it and was able to trace the package back to the SHIELD issued credit card of Agent Wade Wilson. The same credit card he was given to pay for weaponry and other pre-approved necessities on missions."

" _What_?" Darcy almost shouted with wide eyes. She repeated it a little more shrilly when she realised she was the only one in the office who was surprised. 

"I was just helping a brother out," Wade insisted, only now realising he maybe was in some sort of trouble. 

"By sending my girl sex toys and telling her to brush up on her blow job skills?" Clint pointed out.

" _Your_ girl?" Darcy asked intrigued and a bit offended. She seemed less angry at him though. 

"Hey, this is an equal opportunity sex box. Pleasure for him and her. I don't half ass these types of things," said Wade, waving the cock ring around.  

"As Agent Coulsen and I had been able to confirm before you two entered, Agent Wilson here does not deny sending this package to Miss Lewis under Barton's name." 

"I don't see what the big deal is. This is quality stuff. Much better than that pansy stuff he'd been sending all week. And all those poems? I took a look and they're all 'oh forgive me, you're so pretty like sunflowers'," Wade blew a raspberry and gave a thumbs down. "When he sent the roses and necklace before your date I knew I needed to step in." 

"Necklace?" asked Darcy, trying to go for disdain but her curiosity peaked though. 

"Yeah, he sent you some lame red and white roses and a gold necklace last week but I intercepted them. Didn't want Hawkass to go down in complete flames without getting a little something- something. I knew he needed to step up his game so I took the initiative for him," Wade had opened one of the edible paint jars and stuck a pinky in for a taste test. "Which by the way, is a quality you look for in an Avenger. Am I right?"

"You sent me more roses and a gold necklace? Even after I agreed to dinner?" Darcy asked in a flattered tone. Her fear and anger were slipping. The affection shining in Darcy's eyes made Clint feel a little embarrassed now he was in a room filled with some of the toughest men of SHEILD who had just heard he'd been composing rather shitty poetry. "What kind of necklace?" Darcy tried to appear aloof. 

"Uh, it was a gold chain," Clint mumbled, trying to brush off his actions. "With an arrow and heart." 

"I think it brings out my eyes," claimed Wade, pulling out a necklace from under his shirt. It took a lot of Clint's reserve to not tear it off of his neck but Darcy was staring at the thin gold chain that had a golden arrow and gold heart pendants hanging delicately off of it. A couple of rubies were imbedded in the pendants.   

"Wow, Clint that's really sweet of you," gushed Darcy before she could stop herself. She tried to hide her delight. "So you didn't know about the box?" 

"No," Clint insisted, "and I swear if I did, I would have beat Wade up. Then asked Natasha and Thor to help." 

"Thank you," Darcy said sincerely, taking a moment to consider everything she was finding out. Eventually, she took one of Clint's hands in her own and he smiled at the touch. "I should have known you wouldn't have sent that crap. I _knew_ something was off. I'm sorry I thought you were a disgusting pervert. You know how I am with this kind of thing."

"I don't blame you. Hell, I'd punch myself if I had actually sent that shit to you. The picture stuff was all an accident. I would never hurt you. Please know that. It killed me to see you so upset." 

"Why aren't you two thanking me? I brought you together. Wait, how are you with what kind of thing? What's happening? What didn't you tell me Darcy? I thought we were girlfriends!" Wade interrupted the tender moment, angry at not being the centre of attention. He frowned when the two ignored him and started hugging. "Where are my hugs? Why does no one love me?" They both still hadn't paid attention to whatever Wade was shouting. That is until Wade just got up and hugged the couple in an attempt to join them.   

"As heart warming as this is, I'm going to remind you three that you're still on SHIELD payroll time," Fury broke the moment and waited until everyone went back to their own chair. "Good, now there's still the matter of a sexual harassment case, wrongfully spent SHIELD money, the need to fill out an interoffice relationship form and some Goddamn sex toys on my desk." 

Even though his day had improved considerably, Clint still sighed. This was going to be a long meeting. And he really needed to punch Wade in the nose. The likelihood of him getting away with it in Fury's office wasn't too low but he felt for the sake of professionalism, he should try to wait until they were outside the door. The thoughts lessened when Darcy sneaked her hand into his, making his pulse quicken. Maybe Clint was becoming soft. He would certainly deny the fact he wrote love poems to his grave (and that he enjoyed quite a few of the poems he'd read) but he had Darcy back. That was more than good enough. Watching Fury shout at Wade was just icing on the cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! All your kudos and comments brightened my day and pushed me to write faster!


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